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Time is Now

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I am sat here writing this is in a gorgeous deli in Frome, miles away from Lincoln.  Having visited friends here a few weeks ago, I felt a strong affinity with the area. And it turns out, I had signed up to a retreat that is not so far away from this cool market town.

And so I am back, the retreat starts today. I have come down a bit early to spend time here and soak it all up.

It is the first time in the past 2 years and 9 months, where I have taken a decision that is purely for myself. I cannot express the emotional turmoil it's taken to be able to make this decision. Guilt, shame, fear, worry; a rollercoaster of feels carried me to the point to where I realised it's ok. It's ok to ask for help, to say you need space, to create time for yourself, for self care.

Caring is a selfless task in itself, but we've not only had to process this life changing trauma with Rob's health, but at the same time we've moved countries, lost jobs, lost our network, lost our identities, our sense of self. All major life changes in them selves and big enough to handle one at time, let alone all at once. Yet we've done it, we've kept each other going and got to a great point. However, all my decisions during this time have been to benefit Rob and his recovery. Which is how I wanted it to be. Rob has made great gains and it's time to balance it out.

It's time for me.

I've finally surrendered. I'm going with my gut and what feels right. And this time out, this space has come at the right time. A point where I was seeking something, to be able process all that has happened to me in the past few years. 

So I will be offline, off grid. No phone, no laptop. No distractions, no one to care for but myself. An alien concept for someone who is attached to her phone. Someone who is a giver and gains great pleasure from doing stuff for others. I have so much love to give, I forget that sometimes I need to turn it inward.

And so I shall. I'll see you on the other side.